Here (is what I hope) is some entertainment for you.
…..User puts in email request (with no contact information)
asking me to call them to get connected to VPN, because it “suddenly” won’t
After a return email exchange for actual contact information
(and with my numbers prominently displayed….)
Me: Calls the user…. Greeting and usual “How are you” stuff.
User: “I know it was working in your office when you showed
me, but now it won’t work”.
Me: “Let’s see if we can get you connected. Is the WiFi
switch on the side of the laptop on or off?”.
User: “Er, switch?”
Me: “The one on the right edge of the laptop. Should have
little ridges you can feel with your finger and an orange splash of color to
indicate it’s turned off.” (Mental commentary:
The one I showed you when you picked up the laptop 2 days ago and told you to
MAKE SURE was not orange when you tried to connect to your home WiFi.)
User: “Oh, there it is!” (As if discovering it exists for
the first time).
Me: “Turn it on.”
User: “Hey! My WiFi started working!”
Me: (While slowly banging head against desk) “Yes, good. Now
let's get you connected to your home WiFi.”
User: “I see my network. Do I need to put in the work WiFi password”.
Me: “Is that the password you set for your home network?”
User: “Oh, no. I guess I should put that one, then.”
Me: “Probably.” (bangs head against desk some more, slightly
User: “What do I do now?”
Me: “Open the word document I put on your desktop directly
above the VPN icon and follow the instructions.”
User: “Oh, right. Which one is the VPN icon again?”
(Completely ignoring the instructions)
Me: “The green one with the white S in the middle of it….
with a Word document titled Working from Home on the TWE VPN above it….” (Me
screaming in my head: “THERE ARE ONLY 5 ICONS ON THE WHOLE F****** DESKTOP...
READ THE DESCRIPTIONS AND OPEN THE INSRUCTIONS. THERE’S A F****** PICTURE OF
THE ICON IN THE INSTRUCTIONS….”)
User: “Oh, there it is.”
Me: (Stops hitting desk with head because current force of
impacts may damage the furniture beyond use... I have a hard head). “Is the VPN on yet?”
User: “Can’t you just do this for me?”
Me: “…….. no” (Seriously contemplates the usefulness of
furniture vs sanity restoring properties of physical destruction).
User: “Should I click on the disable button?”
Me: (Wants to say “Is that what the Instructions say
to do?” as snarkily as possible). “No.”
User: “Oh, wait, it says Connected now.”
Me: “Perfect. Try connecting to your desktop, or opening a file
on the server if you don’t usually work on a desktop.”
User: “How do I open my desktop?”
Me: “The shortcut icon DIRECTLY to the right of the VPN
icon.” (Impatience my be bleeding through in my voice at this point… and my
“Give a crap” meter is rapidly dropping).
User: “Oh, it’s asking for my password. Which one do I use?”
Me: “The one you used when we tested it while you were in my
office. The SAME one you use to log into your desktop as if you were sitting in
front of it.” (Mental commentary: “IF you
have enough brain cells to remember it without looking at the piece of paper that is probably stuck to the bottom of your keyboard, you moron.”)
User: “Right! Ok. It logged me in.”
Me: “Ok. Please don’t forget to save your work and log off when you
User: “I will, thanks!.”
…… (five hours later… people are complaining they haven’t
been able to connect for hours… I check for computers on the VPN that are on
screen saver mode…. find 15 and disconnect them.. including the above user).
Yep, that’s my life right now.